Basically, met a girl at my gym, and she was super into me from the start. Almost obsessively so, constantly and instantly texting, spoke of me very highly to her friends, and on our date she was straight up awkward and entirely nervous. We did hook up. Fast forward 2 weeks and I noticed a small change in vibe. Its still fine, but she's less obsessive and more normal around me. Some might take it as a good thing, and that seems reasonable, but it come accompanied with less frequent hangouts, less frequent texting (more time in btwn messages too). Also, in person the vibe has gone from her being like "I can't believe you actually wanted to hang out with me", "I was so shocked you were interested", basically really idealizing me to more teasing and straight up frame flips ("aw how cute you missed me", "aw you must really want to hang out with me", "Tuesday could work... if youre worth it. I think your chances are good though"). These comments were all a bit unexpected and I just kind of let them pass without getting reactive, even though I didnt really have a clever response for them - I just kinda went silent and ignored them. But it still took me by surprise how quickly she acclimated to me. She's still quite flirty and down for plans, she just seems a little less available than before. I dont typically have 'ongoing relationships' and within those that I have had, I haven't experienced these types of frame shifts. Do you guys take all this as a sign of declining interest/me losing value in her eyes? Or more on the contrary, that she simply feels better about the relationship hence her acting more 'normal'. Curious to hear your thoughts
34 Posts (+1), 203 Cmts (+77)
Thanks for the feedback. The date itself was very good though, both bar and bedroom. I'll post some screenshots and you can see for yourself how she felt after. She did orgasm, it was pretty strong and quick for her. She complimented me on that etc (both during date and when I saw her few days after), started bragging about me to people at the gym about how "good" she did on the date, etc etc. So I dont think its that
The "other person" thing I do think is a strong possibility and is the only thing that explains to me the drop off as well as various other cues ive picked up on. Its not a total drop of interest as we do have plans this upcoming week (supposedly), but its noticeable. She's still quite flirty in person, touchy etc, but it feels diff overall esp over text
The other thing I think of is I may have validated her a bit too strongly? I got the feeling she had low self esteem (or at least that the perceived value gap was too big btwn myself and her) so I wanted to build her up a bit. Nothing weird or cringe, just more like the screenshots. But I wonder if it explains her newfound confidence
So with that, few questions. Assuming its another dude, theres nothing to really do except just let shit unfold as it does, no? It sucks but I acknowledge that sometimes timing is what it is. I also feel that I should pull back a bit as I do feel that my interest is a bit too obvious at this point... maybe be more aloof at gym etc. Lastly (and in addition to all the above), is it just possible that she's just more "normal" now after we've hung out and connected a bit? As opposed to being all awkward / obsessive before
Any other commentary is appreciated too. Thanks brother
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0 Posts (+0), 6 Cmts (+4)
You're texting's decent except the parts where you do give her a lot of validation - like you already felt you were doing - without trying to move things forward to the next date
Like "I'm gonna watch and think dirty thoughts as you do them," and "even texting you turns me" are examples of poor texts. The 1st lets her know that you're okay with just seeing her in the gym and her being eye candy for you (even after hooking up) when you could be fucking instead and the 2nd is super low value, also indirectly stating that "I can tease him and make him horny without actually fucking." Granted, I'm sure texting girls gets us all turned on, but that's something that doesn't need to be said explicitly said. The vibe of the convo depicts that, especially while sexting
When you say these things, instead of her chasing you, you're doing the chasing instead, which gives her even more confidence. So ultimately, her fucking you and having you chase her afterwards is giving her the confidence to know that you'll always be there and willing to fuck anytime, ironically making her less eager to want to actually fuck.
You seem to have a good grasp on soft closing, but the texting/flirting before getting to that point may need some work bc maintaining frame after fucking is just as important. I'm sure Alex has a ton of videos going over this
To improve your texting, always try to move things forward. When she says:
"Thank uu, i had fun w u," you can say "Me too, we can have some more fun some time this week"............. (FUCK the gym talk, you wanna see that body again right?!)
"I have no one to stare at the gym," you can say "come stare at me tonight in my place instead" or something of the sort
"Ugh you turn me on so much" you can take this multiple diff ways. Can say something "oh yeah, what turned you on most last time" OR "I can tell by the way you were riding me" etc <-- something referencing when you guys fucked, and the convo will have a more sexual tone
"U did the other night," you can say "we might have to do a repeat of that night [insert devil/smirk emoji here]
BUT now since you think she's most likely seeing another guy/exploring other options, you probably wanna fall back. Stop listening to her and meeting her at the gym when she wants, when you guys have no date plans after or in the near future. Just don't respond. If she follows up saying anything other than she misses seeing you or insinuating future plans, don't respond. Your goal here is to make her try to regain the frame and make her chase you again, to get that date. Anything else is attention seeking which is bad for you. If she truly likes you, she'll go this route or if she falls back completely, you'll have your answer, and it'll be time to move on
If she's saying you're hot though, I'm sure other girls think the same so I would say now's the time to approach more and add to your rotation too
Let us know how that date goes with her if it does happen
34 Posts (+1), 203 Cmts (+77)
Yeah, it felt right in the moment. One weakness of mine that Ive been trying to improve on is dating retention after first date. I never do crib dates, 100% bar dates which nearly always result in sex after. But Ive found 2 problems with this approach: 1) some girls who weren't expecting to have sex get totally in their head the next day about feeling slutty and want nothing more to do with me, 2) Ive often come off as cold and distant after the date. The latter has resulted in some truly vicious blowback which I wont get into here, but definitely left a scar on me. I guess my texting here was me overcompensating for that, aka by sending her validation as I didnt wanna make her feel like a slut, and also just trying to not be distant. But retention is my biggest problem in game/dating man and idk why.
For the "I have no one to stare at rn" comment, I was actually with another girl at the time and felt bad it took so long to respond because she is (was) literally a 30 second texter at the time. Also I bailed on the date 2 plans with gym girl so I could hang with another girl, so I think my texting is partly my subconscious trying to not feel bad about it. But these are all good points you make.
I agree on falling back. It makes intuitive sense to me. I'm guessing if our upcoming plans fall through and she doesn't offer a reschedule the plan is just to go cold turkey completely (and not even try for future plans)? Ive had this strategy work for me in the past with other girls, Im somewhat surprised by your feedback that I overvalidated her as I guess I wasn't expecting that to be the main culprit... but it does make sense. Damn
Any particular way you'd approach confirmation of the next date? Would you even try to confirm for our upcoming plans? Or just kinda drop off and let the frame re-establish itself over a longer period of time as I create distance. On the one hand I wonder if trying to confirm is a subtle form of validation that she would inevitably bail on anyway. Vs letting it pass and me disappearing and letting her re-engage which might make for more solid plans.. thoughts?