What exactly happened here?
Alright so this is going to be a fairly long post as I don't think it's possible to explain this situation in a short way.
Basically, I started casually dating this chick last autumn. Three months in just before she was supposed to leave for abroad, she confesses that she's developed feelings for me. I confessed that I had some feelings for her too. She told me she could not promise we'd keep seeing each other after she comes back as she would be gone for almost 5 months and that we should date other people meanwhile. We still decided we should facetime each other every now and then because neither of us wanted to end things.
For the first 2 months or so it was once every week, but then it regressed down to once every two weeks. Around this time she told me she was coming back to my city for the weekend to surprise her family and that she wanted to come visit me as well. She stayed over at my place for one night and then went back abroad again.
After this we still continued doing facetimes once every two weeks until at some point it just died out completely. She didn't call me and I didn't call her. I didn't want to chase after her so I just let it die out. I decided I would just hit her up once she comes back if I hadn't heard anything from her by then. During the last couple of facetimes we had I felt like she was actually trying to make me jealous by some of the stuff she was saying, like for example how all her friends have someone they're crazy about and she doesn't. Since we were only FWBs and not in a relationship I was very nonchalant about it. She admitted herself she doesn't want a relationship so I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish by doing that.
Four weeks go by and I still hadn't heard anything from her, even though by now she's definitely back in my city, so I decided to hit her up and set up a cuddling date with her. She was very receptive through text, no objections or anything.
At first when she comes over we cuddle, do some catching up, and then have sex. This is basically what we do every time so nothing new there, but then maybe like 1 hour into the meetup, she suddenly tells me that as hard it is for her to say it, she feels like it's best we don't see each other anymore as she's lost feelings for me and she's afraid they might resurface if we start seeing each other again. She then asks me what I was hoping would come out of seeing her again. I said I was hoping we would continue seeing each other casually now that she's back. She responds that I shouldn't have a problem finding girls to see casually and that I don't need her specifically. I just agree here since she isn't wrong about that. The weird thing is even though she says all this, she's still acting all lovey dovey with me by cuddling and kissing me in the neck etc... In fact we continue to cuddle and talk about various random stuff for like the next 2 hours after this.
Then when she's finally about to leave she tells me she wants to give me a proper goodbye and hugs me. I could tell she was pretty sad so I told her "it's alright these things don't usually last this long." She then starts to cry and tells me how my place has always been a safe haven for her and that she's very thankful for that. At this point she starts crying even more and I start to cry a bit as well. She then says maybe it wouldn't hurt to text me sometime and that we'll probably still see each other somewhere. I then kiss her one last time and we say goodbye.
I'm just left pretty confused by this and would appreciate some insight. First of all to recap, she tells me she's lost feelings for me, but she still wants to cuddle and have sex with me, and then bursts into tears when she leaves? that doesn't really sound like she's lost feelings. Neither of us want a relationship so having no feelings involved would actually be ideal. What exactly happened here and is it still possible to recover this?
393 Posts (+1.3K), 15K Cmts (+5.3K)
It's really hard to say man. You're giving me as much information as you can but there's still things that I'm uncertain about. Did you ask her why she lost feelings? And I feel like she was hoping you'd say that you want to see her more than casually when she said that you could easily find girls to see casually. You should have just said
"Yeah. I can. But I want something more than casual with you". I think she's a bit confused about what she wants. It was sorta your chance to take the lead here and say give it a shot. I don't recommend the guy being the one asking for a relationship but the situation here is different. She is just confused and you had to have the talk here and guide her in the right direction.
When she was "worried" that she might start having feelings towards you, I would have demonstrated that there's nothing wrong with that. And that you could give it a shot. It's obviously too late now so that's not quite possible now but that's something you should definitely have done
57 Posts (+12), 282 Cmts (+81)
I never asked directly but I remember her saying she's been thinking about our situation for the past couple of months and came to the conclusion that it's best we don't see each other anymore. Apparently this was the reason she also stopped calling me. When I asked why she's only telling me now, she told me she had lost her phone and my number with it so she had no way to contact me. This is complete bullshit though as she could have easily sent me a message through other apps. She even mentioned that herself, but then said she was pretty confident I would still contact her at some point so she didn't feel it was necessary.
Also one very important thing I forgot to mention was that after she gave that speech about me being able to easily find girls to see casually she told me that it's never been purely casual between us, that there's always been more, and maybe it's because of this that she doesn't think it could work purely casually for us...?
She also mentioned that when she told her friend about coming to visit me for the last time 2 days before our meetup, her friend said she doesn't believe she can actually stay away from me for good, which is definitely promising.
Now the issue I had with suggesting something more than casual was that when I told her at one point we've never been in a relationship, she told me she doesn't want to get into a relationship until sometime next year due to her difficult life situation, so I felt like trying to push for a relationship might have disqualified me even further.