I recently got back to dating using online apps. My dates go well (laughter, good conversation) but i'm not getting a second date. In my twenties, I used to meet women through daytime dating. I would approach with a direct opener and talk for around 10 minutes and schedule a date for the next 1-3 days. I didn't do any gamey attraction stuff on the dates- just talked about hobbies / passions. I went on maybe 15-20 dates with nice looking women, and virtually every one ended at least with a make out. Now that I'm in my mid thirties and meeting people from dating apps, I'm noticing that the tension is missing on the dates. I'm having the same type of good conversations with my dates (maybe even better), with laugher and sharing of interests. The women seem receptive and playful throughout the date (which lasts around 1.30 hours), but they don’t want a second date. The main difference I think is in the frame from online dating vs direct approaches. With direct approaches you automatically establish a dominant/confident frame with your approach. I wonder if I need to do something more ballsy/cocky on my dates to establish that frame. Any feedback is appreciated. To add context- I think I’m relatively nice looking for my target demo, and my profile images reflect well what I look like in real life.
2 Posts (+2), 3 Cmts (+1)
23 Posts (+4), 187 Cmts (+71)
Okay, I am going to teach you what works for me:
·Put on a spritz of Tom Ford: ombre & dark clothes for every first date
·Make your compliments sexual and not friendly e.g., Yo. That dress on you... as you look her up & down good choice. With a smirk on your face
·Include sexual innuendos in your stories with commonly used sex slang e.g. "I just got a new dog, he's pretty cool but he destroyed a vase yesterday, and he got our floor soaking wet." OR if you were waiting for her outside the venue: "I want you to come inside with me, this place has the best margaritas." OR even: "Yeah I had that big workout the other day, I got so sweaty, I had to take my shirt off."
·When I look at my date as we are talking, I sometimes look at each of her eyes and her lips a couple of times, sometimes the girl catches on and thinks you want to kiss them or you're about to make your move
·Touch her more: Guide her more by doing things like gently touching her lower back and telling her where you are going, e.g. you have seats to the right, so you touch her lower back and mention you're seated to the right then lightly push her in the direction you want her to go as you walk and let go. Touch her hand more as you talk "accidentally", her shoulder more as she makes a good point or something you share with her, or to emphasize a joke. Just touch her more in general.
·Sit next to her instead of across from her: if it's at the table then both of you should be sitting on one side, she may throw some questions your way on this, but I usually say "This is how I do things" or "Have you not done this before-ah first time for everything" or just ignore her nagging about why are you sitting next to me and carry on like she didn't say anything.
·Combine your teasing with touching: so back to touching, you want to be more intent on why you are touching the girl e.g. touching her arm muscles and teasing her "damn you have been working out girl" or holding her hand and looking at her nails and saying "damn how'd you know blue is my favorite color."
·Do not react to those shit tests or curve ball questions: take your time when responding, she's not going anywhere, don't get defensive, make a joke about what she's saying, or just ignore it like she didn't even say shit
23 Posts (+4), 187 Cmts (+71)
·Slow kissing: you're going to always be going for kissing on your dates, taking that risk, but to minimize that risk start with the cheek (which you should have done when you met with a hug and a peck on the cheek), now later on, but before the end of the date go for another kiss on the cheek and then progressively work from the cheek to the lips gauging how she's responding to each of these gradual soft kisses to her lips, if she pulls back you already know you need to pull back as well and not try to proceed to the lips. Time to go back to talk about something else like the shit didn't just happen, and you don't want to ask why at this point...that comes later when you've tried to escalate like 3 times and she has turned you down then you can ask "I'm having a great time with you tonight, and if we don't do anything else it's cool with me but is there something on your mind? You seem a little hesitant."
·Go ahead and hold her hand even if it feels awkward: While you are on the date hold her hand and continue to hold her hand as you are both talking even if it feels weird to you, I want you to work through it. Now if she pulls her hand away you already know do not try to grab her hand back immediately but again just pretend it did not happen and be mindful of another opportunity to hold her hand later.
·Stare into her eyes: maintain dominant eye contact when you're talking to her, you can take small breaks to look around at your environment but mostly when you are talking with her let your attention be on her eyes, if she cannot maintain eye contact back it's not always an indicator but it could mean she's submissive. She could even say something playfully like "Stop looking at me like that, it's like you're looking into my soul" which means it is working and she's telling you that you intimate her a bit. You can make a joke about or tease her about having a guilty filthy soul or something turning the conversation sexual.
·Tell naughty and kinky stories: tell stories where she must visualize you in naked, wet, steamy, situations. For me, I have a story of my luggage coming late to the hotel, having nothing to sleep in after relaxing in the jacuzzi, and roaming around the hotel in just a towel as I found a washer/dryer to wash/dry my clothes, you can steal mine or make your own.
·Being a dangerous "nice guy": so we're going to open all doors for her, leading her gently by the lower back to where you planned the date to be, the table, your car, etc... my secret technique is pulling the chair out for her at the bar, and as she sits down and gets settled while you're still there holding the chair I whisper a compliment in her ear in a low, seductive voice *see point 2 on giving direct not just friendly compliments"
23 Posts (+4), 187 Cmts (+71)
·Last point. Manually see where you stand with the girl: This one is cheesy but if you legit want to see where you stand with the girl on the date on the date then give her three options as to what you are doing next:
We call it a night (she is not feeling you)
I take us to another venue nearby (She's placed you in the "Maybe" column, you are nearly there, she just needs a bit more time"
I take us to a mystery option (this is always to someplace you can sexually escalate, your place to listen to some music, meet that dog that broke the vase, your hotel room, romantic balcony, etc... ) and if she's even remotely asking about this 3rd option at all you already know what the fuck is up. Girls are not dumb; she is down to let you lead her somewhere and fuck her.
2 Posts (+2), 3 Cmts (+1)
Thanks man- I really appreciate all the detail. I use online apps for relationships and less for casual sex so I'll probably adapt some of these tips to my style to make them more congruent, but I definitely think the underlying ideas behind it work - innuendos, imagery, body language, physical escalation, etc.. I'll post an update with my results.
23 Posts (+4), 187 Cmts (+71)
Please don't fall into the trap I fell into when I was having several failed dates in a row, I started making concessions for ladies on future dates like not speaking up for myself when they were late, not speaking up when they would whip out their phone mid-date, oh God... and even pay for their plate of food when I distinctly remember stating over text that this would be drinks only date. Was doing this all in a futile effort to maybe let this be the date that breaks my dry streak, guess what...it continued because the women could smell the desperation on me, wasn't till I stopped caring and did what I wanted to do on dates that I started getting laid again.
Another thing, if you meet a woman for drinks and she orders water, you already should know what the fuck is up and just leave bro. If she hasn't told you she's sober or something then her ordering water when you order yourself a Bud Light or whatever is a subtle cue that she's no longer interested and doesn't wanna feel obligated by you buying her a drink. I NEVER had a date go well when a woman orders herself water, I just wish her a nice evening and leave when this happens now.