Basically, met a girl at my gym, and she was super into me from the start. Almost obsessively so, constantly and instantly texting, spoke of me very highly to her friends, and on our date she was straight up awkward and entirely nervous. We did hook up. Fast forward 2 weeks and I noticed a small change in vibe. Its still fine, but she's less obsessive and more normal around me. Some might take it as a good thing, and that seems reasonable, but it come accompanied with less frequent hangouts, less frequent texting (more time in btwn messages too). Also, in person the vibe has gone from her being like "I can't believe you actually wanted to hang out with me", "I was so shocked you were interested", basically really idealizing me to more teasing and straight up frame flips ("aw how cute you missed me", "aw you must really want to hang out with me", "Tuesday could work... if youre worth it. I think your chances are good though"). These comments were all a bit unexpected and I just kind of let them pass without getting reactive, even though I didnt really have a clever response for them - I just kinda went silent and ignored them. But it still took me by surprise how quickly she acclimated to me. She's still quite flirty and down for plans, she just seems a little less available than before. I dont typically have 'ongoing relationships' and within those that I have had, I haven't experienced these types of frame shifts. Do you guys take all this as a sign of declining interest/me losing value in her eyes? Or more on the contrary, that she simply feels better about the relationship hence her acting more 'normal'. Curious to hear your thoughts
0 Posts (+0), 6 Cmts (+4)
For retention, how long do you wait before re-engaging? Taking too long may make girls feel like you wanted a ONS. Personally, I reach out 2-3 days after with a form of callback referencing the night. Also Alex's "Last night was fire emoji line" the day after works well and gets the convo going to then set up the next date.... All the beauty validation should be given during or post sex and increasing over time with the more investment you get from her. Investment meaning what she does for you, or giving a genuine compliment, something no one's really said about her that you noticed
To not attempting future plans if the current plans fall thru - that's correct. You can possibly get it back over time with what I advised prior by not responding, but who knows how long that'll take, so no point in getting so fixated on her. In the dating game, we'll take a lot of L's, and the best way to move forward is to learn from that and use those lessons to get a new girl & keep her as well.
You can still try to confirm the next date, and her response will tell you what you need to know. Like her saying maybe or postponing/rescheduling with no specific date should be the end of it. All the wishy washy shit would be just her stringing you along
You can start the convo with gym talk, then ask if you're still good for whatever day
34 Posts (+1), 203 Cmts (+77)
Lastly, do you think one of the reasons she's been flaking is because she's just very much in her head that all this relationship will be about is just sex? And that I should try 1 final attempt to suss out the problem? (think an Alex text like: "Are you always this difficult to make plans with" etc)
In person, the vibe is fine. People comment on how its clear she likes me. But it just drops dead over text when we try to make plans aka hang out at my house (even though we've already done that stuff)
34 Posts (+1), 203 Cmts (+77)
So she ended up flaking on the first date (with an attempt to reschedule) and then flaking on the rescheduled date. At this point I just plan to move on and not even give her a batting eye anymore. Its a shame because the initial investment was so high but it is what it is.
In the future, whats your general approach to girls who seem 'obsessively' into you with low self confidence? Like to the extent where she was making the comments above ("I can't believe youre hanging out with me", "you definitely are not gonna call me after tonight", etc). My approach here was try to "bring her up" a bit (hence my validation) but my friend said he doesn't think thats necessary, he said just kinda shrug it off and dont pay it any mind. Any general thoughts on that?
34 Posts (+1), 203 Cmts (+77)
Yeah, I do wait too long. Or don't follow up at all sometimes. I dont mean to be cold / distant but I guess I need to address that more proactively.
As for this girl, I'll try to confirm the day before via text since I prob wont see her at gym that day. I did see her today at gym though. I tried to be more normal/aloof and more grounded as opposed to how I was acting before, and it does lead me to think that overvalidation was the issue moreso than another guy (although that could still be a thing, who knows). I could tell the frame was much better and she totally dropped the ego she had just a few days ago, was persistent in trying to start/restart convo, etc etc.
I also asked my friend who knows her better and he did mention that she really hates guys who chase her and really wants to be the one chasing. Not that this isn't the case for most girls, I guess I just underestimated how much chasing I was subtly conveying by just being complimentary. In my mind, this was an insecure girl who I wanted to build up to be a little more normal around me hence me being so nice, but I guess that simply didnt have the desired effect I imagined it would. Thanks for reminding me of some fundamentals man. Who knows where this goes / how long it needs but it is what it is.